Good Women

Can I tell you, I love being a good woman.

I have often had conversations where I bemoan my good girl tendancies and wish I had it in me to be a little more bad. What would life be like, I have thought, if I just allowed myself to really mess up. To just not care about morals or reprecussions. I realize as I lay here in bed enjoying the comfort of my room and thinking about my week, that I my friends, am full of shit. I love being a good woman and I doubt I would ever trade it for anything else.

Last night, I went out with a group of gal pals. We went to this place called Tunnel Top. It was a fun bar, good male to female ratio (depending on whether you were asking me or a guy there) and there was this group of men from out of town. They were a funny group of guys and as we started to make conversation with them, one of my friends however, pointed out the shiny glint of wedding bands on all of them. I had a laugh, let them buy me drinks, joked around with them. But there was a point in the night where lines were being crossed. I could see some of my gal pals folding on some of the pieces that I know usually would matter a lot.

I sat there for a good second, a married mans arm around me, thinking, how big of a deal is this? And that is when I backed away. I knew in that moment, no amount of validation, alcohol, male appreciation, would ever make any line crossing okay.

Please understand, this is not a knock on the women I was with. I mean I get it. It's tough in those moments to really back away. You've loosened your inhibitions, you are feeling like being appreciated as a woman, and its nice. Each of us has to find the line. I just love that for myself, the line is so clear and that my heart really speaks up loud in those moments. I think, for myself, I felt more beautiful walking away then I ever would have staying. And for that, thank you heart, for taking me down the paths that honor who I am.

Change lives, create social change in just four days.

Hi guys,

So the deal is that I've been volunteering for an organization by the name of College Summit for the last 5 years. Every summer its been one of the best experiences I have all year.

The way they work is that they bring together groups of 50 kids in the summer at different workshops across the country. The kids are all low-income, with GPA's between 2.0 and 3.0 for the most part. In four days, these kids, rising seniors, get all the materials they need to apply to college. Its a life changing experience and for a lot of them its their first time believing that they can make it.

The reason I'm posting this is that the volunteer application is up. The position of writing coach lets you work with 5 students, you get totally trained to do it, and its the most fun you'll have with a group of kids all year. It's four days and you'll get a $150 stipend if you so choose.

I swear it will be something you will be glad you did. I am attaching a PDF that tells you a little bit more about the organization and what they do. I really hope you apply. I think you'll find that the four days doesn't just change the lives of the kids you work with but your's as well. Go now to http://www.collegesummit.org/volunteer

All my love, admiration and esteem,

Karla

Freedom Writer

I sat in a movie theater yesterday and watched the movie Freedom Writers and couldn't help but feel certain emotions stir in me. I had long tired of the "great white hope" comes in and changes the ghetto kids genre, but this movie was definitely different. It was done with a dignity to the students that Erin Gruwell served in a way that was befitting of their struggles. I loved that for once asian kids were not isolated from the world of violence many kids live in, the story was more about the kids then the teacher, loved that the main latina character struggled with a lack of moral absolutes.

But I was still mildly bothered by the whole thing. When do the stories about us, for us, by us get told? It's been almost 20 years since Jaime Escalante and Joe Clark took the screen. And it bothers me that our stories, teenage or otherwise, are not just happening in the classroom, but really that is the only place they ever get played. And don't tell me that "Take the Lead" is supposed to cut it. I mean real emotion. Stirs you that you identify, regardless of color with the character, even though the man/woman so happens to be a minority. Anyone in the mood to challenge me could give me a list of movies with characters of color that should shut my mouth, but really, its a mere handful and how many of those movies had a producer that understood what it was like to grow up not as a part of mainstream culture.

See when I started writing this, I was about to apologize, I'm aware that my blogs have been a lot about race lately. Why its been a hot button issue with me as of late I don't know. But I was ready to apologize to this non-existant reader for the effect of not seeing myself on a screen. And then I stopped myself. I won't apologize for a structure that I see consistantly doesn't raise our kids the way they deserve.

I realized that its time for me to start writing faithfully again. And by faithfully, I mean putting my story down on pages. I have no right to complain about what isn't out there if I have yet to add my own contributions.

New Years Resolutions, Round 1

1. I will have a longer term dating life then my standard 3 weeks.
2. I will upgrade my wardrobe all year.
3. I will find a physical activity that I enjoy that isn't seasonal that I will do regularly.
4. I will hike at least once a month.
5. I will discover more places in the city I enjoy.
6. I will go out at least three times a month to a non-bar/dance place.
7. I will go out at least once to a bar/dance place.
8. Create non-negotiable boundaries with my job and friends.
9. Figure out how to stop my "all or nothing" habit. Look into where it comes from.
10. Learn how to say no without feeling guilty.
11. Stop letting other peoples needs and wants from coming before my own.
12. Stop allowing myself to feel like a bad person when I say no to someone.
13. Learn how to say no up front instead of when I've maxed myself out.
14. See more plays.
15. See more live music.
16. Cook more.
17. **** *** (thats a private one)

CNN Article: Poll: Most Americans see lingering racism -- in others

Poll: Most Americans see lingering racism -- in others
POSTED: 1:02 p.m. EST, December 12, 2006

• Poll shows most Americans consider racism a problem
• Blacks more than twice as likely to call racism a "very serious" problem
• Almost half of whites and blacks say they know someone who is racist
• Only a few of either race say they are racially biased themselves
More on CNN TV: Are you prejudiced in ways you don't even know? Find out in a Paula Zahn NOW Special: "Skin Deep: Racism in America," tonight, 8 p.m. ET.
Adjust font size:


(CNN) -- Most Americans, white and black, see racism as a lingering problem in the United States, and many say they know people who are racist, according to a new poll.

But few Americans of either race -- just one out of eight -- consider themselves racist.

And experts say racism has evolved from the days of Jim Crow to the point that people may not even recognize it in themselves. (Watch people in a Texas town where blacks are still afraid to stop )

A poll conducted last week by Opinion Research Corp. for CNN indicates that whites and blacks disagree on how serious a problem racial bias is in the United States.

Almost half of black respondents to the poll -- 49 percent -- said racism is a "very serious" problem, while 18 percent of whites shared that view. Forty-eight percent of whites and 35 percent of blacks chose the description "somewhat serious."

Asked if they know someone they consider racist, 43 percent of whites and 48 percent of blacks said yes.

But just 13 percent of whites and 12 percent of blacks consider themselves racially biased.

Professor Jack Dovidio of the University of Connecticut, who has researched racism for more than 30 years, estimates up to 80 percent of white Americans have racist feelings they may not even recognize.

"We've reached a point that racism is like a virus that has mutated into a new form that we don't recognize," Dovidio said.

He added that 21st-century racism is different from that of the past.

"Contemporary racism is not conscious, and it is not accompanied by dislike, so it gets expressed in indirect, subtle ways," he said.

That "stealth" discrimination reveals itself in many different situations.

A three-year undercover investigation by the National Fair Housing Alliance found that real estate agents steered whites away from integrated neighborhoods and steered blacks in to predominantly black neighborhoods.

Racism also can be a factor in getting a job.

Candidates named Emily O'Brien or Neil McCarthy were much more likely to get calls back from potential employers than applicants named Tamika Williams and Jamal Jackson, even though they had the same credentials, according to a study by the University of Chicago.

Racial bias may even determine whether you can flag a cab.

New York Times writer Calvin Sims wrote a recent article about all the cabdrivers that refused to stop for him.

"If a cab passes you by, obviously it is frustrating, it's degrading and it's just really confusing, because this is akin to being in the South and being refused service at a lunch counter, which is what happened in the 60s and 70s," he said.

Victimized

The Opinion Research poll shows that blacks and whites disagree on how each race feels about the other.

Asked how many whites dislike blacks, 40 percent of black respondents said "all" or "many." Twenty-six percent of whites chose one of those replies.

On the question of how many blacks dislike whites, 33 percent of blacks said "all" or "many," while 38 percent of whites agreed -- a wash because of the poll's 5 percent margin of error.

About half of black respondents said they had been a victim of discrimination because of their race. A little more than a quarter of whites said they had been victims of racial discrimination.

The poll was based on phone interviews conducted December 5 through Thursday with 1,207 Americans, including 328 blacks and 703 non-Hispanic whites.

Depersonalizing

So I would say, as of late, I have not posted anything too personal. I think I've hit a time period that I cannot disclose to the general public just yet. I'm sure there will come a time that I can, and I will, but that writing has had to be more personal and private. It's gotten me through struggle and I want to keep it to myself for a second. There are other things however, issues that mean a lot to me, that may not necessarily involve a huge forthcoming of personal details that I have been mulling. I'm about to write that blog entry right now. My life will soon return to my blog. I think once I get a handle on it, I'll feel more freedom with it. Until that time... enjoy my other musings. =c)

Thinking about it... from the "Latino Desk"

(Me looking Latina, because apparently, that matters)


So I have thought about the CNN article I posted. There are pieces of it that I'm puzzling over as I ponder it. I think it's a great theory of how we should be, the whole, America takes in the cultures and accepts them as their own. It's great except that its bull.

When has this country welcomed information and culture on my African brothers and sisters? When has the booming Pacific Islander community found themselves represented ANYWHERE? When have asians in this country been marketed as anything but "smart". You want me to believe that there is no division but all I have heard this year is how unwanted the latino community is here. How the whole of the brown community (as the words latino and immigrant seem to be interchangable in the media, and may I point out that I am latino but fully an american citizen- born and raised) is a drain on all things economic, medical and educational. As silly as it may sound, it was the second time in my life that I felt like I was just not welcomed in this country. the first time, I was in kindergarten and a ton of kids were making fun of me for having an accent. It's a different situation but its the same basic gist.

So now you realize, as a media/as a country (and maybe soon as an electorate), that due to personal human value, the humanity of a majority of people not only welcomes the people but wants in to the pieces that make them unique and we are now the magically marketable. Honor both ends mofo's. Don't perpetuate the myths and marvel at the successes. OF COURSE Ugly Betty is a success. The country was STARVING for it. Latin explosion articles make us sound like a rarity. The last time my people were a rarity, Leave it to Beaver was a number one hit. Those aren't good old days, "simpler times" they were just times of simpler people. Welcome to complexity and dimension. Maybe the articles should be about the growing multi-cultural intelligence of the average American and what can be done to heighten that awareness in our people who lag behind.

I Rest My Case

Check out this CNN Opinions Editorials piece...

Monday, October 16, 2006
America's Latinization: Shakira, salsa and Ugly Betty
I feel like I keep doing this same story every year, telling the tale of how the booming Latino population is changing the United States, how the U.S. media business needs to take note of this vast and demanding market. I'm Latina and in the media, so I cop to having a special interest here.

But, as the U.S. population approaches 300 million people, the story has finally changed. I've written for years about how Latino content -- in Spanish and English -- is growing so much that it's going to transform American media. Now it seems to have actually happened.

It's not just that People Magazine also publishes People en Espanol or that CNN has a Spanish-language channel called CNN en Espanol. All U.S. media is changing its content to reflect the fact that Latinos have become the nation's largest minority group and that the rest of the country is feeling their own culture become Latinized.

You can see it in supermarket snack aisles, where tortilla chips and salsa outsell most everything around them. You can hear it on the radio and on MTV, where Spanish music and music with a Spanish beat are everywhere. Hello, Shakira! I flipped through childrens channels the other morning with my 15-month old daughter and there was Handy Manny talking to his toolbelt in Spanish, Dora exploring the world with her amigos and Diego talking to some birds in Spanish. By the time my little girl is my age, it is likely that one in five school children will be Spanish dominant. Our country is changing, fast.

Just a few years ago my relatives in Peru told me not to call them when Betty La Fea was on because they wouldn't pick up the phone. I remember visiting them and TV reporters were on air around Latin America doing live shots to show how empty the streets were during the broadcast. The show was a major telenovela phenomena. Everyone watched, every time. When ABC announced it would produce a U.S. version in English, I figured this would be a true test of whether the U.S. audience, Latinos and non-Latinos, would embrace something so quintessentially Latin American. Well, question answered. Ugly Betty has become the most-watched new series this season.

The show is funny, with crisp writing and a compelling story line. It is also very much a Latino show. Yet the numbers speak for themselves. It's not the nation's Latinos watching; it's everybody.

After years of watching Spanish-language shows and news broadcasts in the U.S. attract Neilson ratings that were the envy of U.S. broadcasters, it's heartening to see something Latino holding its own in English. It means there has been a coming together, a melting in the melting pot. That's the thing that makes the United States a special place for immigrants. That it welcomes and assumes their culture. That it goes out of it's way to welcome the millions of Bettys out there into their home.

*****************************************************

Ethnic Folk on TV

Can I tell you that I have absolutely loved loved loved watching TV on Thursday nights. Something special happens on Thursdays. A latina female that doesn't look like a sex kitten comes on at 8pm. And after she abdicates her seat, a show about surgeons comes on, the show features prominent characters in many ethnicities. The focus of both of these shows are the people. Not their ethnic heritage, their racial struggles in the world, but the people. Not that these shows would shy away from these issues, its just that these shows recognize they are much more then the melanin in their complexions. They address how they view, experience and love the world. And I think its FANTASTIC.

I think that network executives have been so afraid to feature people of color in their shows. What happens if America doesn't tune in and they lose dollars? Well, In addition to being the best shows on TV, these two shows are the highest rated shows on TV. So my question is this, after the success of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy, if network executives still don't look at casting shows by the best actor/actress but by the demographic that they think they should hit, what kind of rebellion should occur in the face of this blatant racism. I mean you have a solid case for featuring people of all heritages and you still oust them? I think that this racism is the most pervasive. Our children deserve to see people that look like them play surgeons, fashionistas and all sorts of three dimensional characters. Then they see what they can aspire too. When we don't do this, it sends a silent but deadly message, that only certain people count and/or make it. I think evening out this playing field will play a role in evening out the disparities/despair in our neighborhoods.

The Silver Platter

My cousin Jorge (wildly talented photographer and first person to ever give me a book), used to tell me "The harder you work, the luckier you get." I always found it to be true. I mean no one, no matter how cool just "gets" what they want. Their had to be an element of control to it in some way shape or form. But I'm starting to wonder how much that "no control" variable does play. As tired as I am right now, as hard as the week has been, as much work as I have had to put in, I feel like an incredibly lucky person.

In high school my friend Eric used to say that I was born with a silver platter. He said I just always seemed to get what I want. The grades I wanted, the people in my life, the opportunities, the acceptance to my favorite college. At the time, if truth be told, the joke bothered me a great deal. There was such a disparity between my economic brackett and the brackett my friends lived in, I felt my hard work shouldn't be chalked up to being born with luck. I thought it was being born with a work ethic.

Last night while at the program I work for, I was rushing around trying to get kids into vans, and two of my boys are sitting in the computer lab. I walk in and I say goodbye and I call them my two favorite huggers. Hugging, as you may already know is a premium with me, Jammo and Freddy are pros. They jump up and run over and give me a hug. They start to compete over who can give me the best hug. And then Freddy, says to Jammo "I'm sorry man, Karla is mine. She's my mom." haha. Now, the 16 year old boy as a species is known for many things. To this day, I don't think they have been noted for their affection and warmth. So you can see why it is even on a crappy week that I feel so lucky. How many people in the world get that? I seem to have repeated blessings of good people that just fill my life.

I've met my share of celebrities and politicians. I have to tell you though, they do not compare to the healers, changemakers, artists, comedians and musicians that I have come into contact with. At every stage of my life, new people in these categories come along and feed my heart. My students feed me like it was Thanksgiving. Even in the toughest of moments it seems like invisible hands will push me into the arms of more good people to get me through. No success I have had, matches up to the warmth I feel when I reflect on these people. So maybe they are the silver platter. Maybe it's tough but the people are the blessings and the opportunities come because I seek out the people. Just some thoughts to tide me over while I procrastinate.

What happens in Vegas...

I'm baaaaaaack. Well suffice to say If I heard that phrase one more time in the last week... well I would have thrown something. Vegas is the most interesting place. It really just draws a collection of people filling voids and daring themselves to be different. Between the half naked women and the ogling men, you know, its just one big sociological experiment of a city.

JUDGEMENTAL ALERT - The following entry is incredibly judgemental, forgive me, I just had to say it.

I am no slouch, but I am not an obviously beautiful woman. I am cute but by no means head turning. There are women in the world that are obviously beautiful. Not beautiful from an angle, or when you talk to them but the kind of girls that make a majority of guys say "damn, she fine" without knowing anything about her. I think this subset of the population is many times plagued with how to step out of using there beauty to get them things. After all, the world has taught them they can have whatever they want if they smile pretty and flirt. It gets to the point where these women genuinely have no idea what they are doing, they just use their blessed faces and bodies to get the only attention they know exists. My heart often hurts for these women, because as much as I hate being "mother, sister, friend" I am heard in such a different way. I would hate to not be heard and to always be paranoid that a guy is just out to sleep with me to validate himself. Most of all, I would hate to not know when I am using my body to get things and not my heart. These women are often disconnected to that piece and struggle with how to connect back.

I have had many friends in this category. The obviously pretty girls who struggle just as much as the rest of us with how they fit. I have seen as the society of womanhood pushes them out and resents them for the kind of attention they garner. I get it too, a lot of times you just don't know how much you can trust an obviously beautiful girl. It occurred to me this last weekend, while in Vegas (capital of the obviously pretty girl, in case you dudes were looking and didn't know) that I scare obviously beautiful women. Not all of them, I think there are some very strong OB girls. But I think I scare a good chunk. I came into contact with a few last week that got all twisty around me. See, I'm the kind of girl that gets increasingly prettier the more you are around her. And I think OB girls 8 times out of 10 go the other way. Just because they have never had to mind the hearts of other people. It made for an interesting Vegas experience if nothing else.

I'm done with my general obnoxiousness for now, I'll post more about the wedding later.

Single Shamed

So I am maid of honor at a wedding in about three weeks. This morning the bride calls me, one of my best most supportive friends in the world, and asks me the question dreaded by all single brides maids the world over "I need to know if you are going to bring a date". To which I replyed "Nah, we'll have lots of friends there." and then my friend proceeds to go "Niiiiiiiiña" in a voice that reminds me of my mother.

Now I know it's best of intentions. I know she just wants me to be happy. But why is it that the only time I ever truly pay attention to my singleness, its because someone else does. I mean don't get me wrong, if a super cool guy showed up and swept me off my feet... I'm down. Like any girl, the thought appeals to me and I would like it. But I am content in my own world.

I have dated and had a life, I just haven't had anyone that I would keep around to take to a wedding where they would meet all my family and friends. I mean really I have never brought a guy home, I also have never met a guy that I contemplated bringing home. I'm okay with that, it will come in its own time. It's a shame too, I look hot in my maid of honor gown. I'm having fun right now. But damn, Valentines and Weddings big reminders of current states of social conditions. haha.

ADDENDUM:

Just as a status update. I didn't go crazy and try and find a last minute date as I contemplated. I rebeled against the system and all was well. ;c)

Surfing and Acceptance

It's absolutely amazing how much a physical activity can teach you about yourself. I just came back from surfing for the very first time. I totally fell in love with it. It was just the most beautiful manifestation of how to deal with life I have experienced. Everything that I struggle with as a person, I struggle with on the board. I learned about myself today. It was DEEP. Something about the ocean is so soothing for me. Today was learning how to not try and beat it, the ocean is massive, it is strong, but allowing myself to flow through a wave is much more effective then trying to crash against it. I doubt I'll ever be able to live long term in a place without a large body of water. I really just so incredibly enjoy it. The feeling of letting it take me in the directions it chooses...

I know it's sounds dramatic ya'll but it's like communicating with God. Or at least how it should be communicating with God. You ask for the knowledge of your body to better know how you get carried through a wave. You ask not to defeat but to commune. You ask how do I let go of my instinct to conquer and pull from my instinct to just be. There was a point in time where I was asking for the peace to not criticize myself for not getting it because it didn't leave me the room to just flow and try again. When I actually started to learn how to get on my board was the moment I accepted that I did not have the upper body strength to get myself on and I needed to figure out how to allow the strength of the ocean and my legs to help me. My life has been this struggle. Accepting that I can't do it all but looking to and trusting that the world and God will take care of me. MAN. I am hooked.

I have never enjoyed something I am so God awful at so much. I love the learning in the process. After a while, even eating it and crashing into water was a joy. I laughed so hard. I smiled a lot. I screamed. It's hysterical for me that after years of dreading being in swimsuits, today akward and gangly floppin around everywhere, I felt beautiful. Yay for finding a
sport I enjoy working at... finally. Yay for weekend number two featuring water as a prominent character. Oh the archetypes. My senior year English teacher would be so proud. I hope your labor day weeknds are going as fabulously as mine. Enjoy.

Yo Home Skillit from VA!

So I have this sitemeter thing that tells me what parts of the world my blog is being read. It's pretty cool and I have to admit I've become a bit obsessive in checking it, Mostly people just come here to read the lyrics to the Kate Havenik song I posted a while back. That particular entry gets read by people LITERALLY all over the world.

I'm FASCINATED by the person who regularly reads my blog from Herndon, Virginia. Whoever you are, please tell me how you know me. If you are a random stranger I don't care. I would just really like to know. I've been racking my brain to figure out what Virginian I may know and I really can't come up with it. So please leave a comment, even an anonymous one. I'm dying to know. Give a girl a break.

Perfect

There are days that are so perfect. In those days I feel safe being so connected. I'm sitting here in an office waiting for a meeting but my brain is on a beach in Portland. I feel sand underneath my toes. I'm standing there watching 4 men who are just most the amazing people I know. They are splashing tackling each other and making me and another friend laugh on the shoreline. I'm getting picked up and thrown in the water. Salt water is rushing past me as I laugh. I'm catching my breath and diving towards my friends. Trying to tackle them as they have thrown me. We are laughing, screaming, taunting and splashing. One of them grabs my arm and swings me into the surf as I flail and make sure it's tough for him to let go. I bruise. I laugh. I feel beautiful in your estimation, but better then that, in my own. We head home in a van. We listen to the radio as the sunset. In our silence there is love. There is fear of tomorrow because today felt so good. I carry you friends. I just carry you with me. Today, lack of sleep and exhaustion do not diminish my glow. I carry your beauty. I walk confident in a world where you love me and I love you. And I praise the powers of beings greater then I ever imagined that they brought you to me.

The People I Love

It is 3am and I am hearing the snoring (and assorted other choice noises) of my friends. I am in Portland, Oregon. I have spent the last two days just valuing and being valued by a good group of people. My heart is full. And I can't sleep because the thought of going back makes my heart ache. errrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.I still have one more day. Why am I doing this now? Oh well. What can be done I suppose.

Kailicious and the Baby Burrito

Tonight I babysat Kai for about 7 hours. Now Kai is the six week old daughter of my ex-coworker and pseudo-big brother Mark. She, like he and his wife, is amazing. I mean absolutely fantastic. I was sitting there holding her and just fully in love. I wonder how you can love people who aren't your blood relatives so much. It was sad for me, driving away from them. The first and really only exemplary marriage I have ever known. The people who helped me believe that loves exists and that it can be a partnership and fun. I'm just sooo utterly grateful to them. And I'm happy for Kai. She is so lucky to have them as parents. Amy is a strong ass woman and Mark is this amazingly wonderful man. The odds are all in her favor. I love seeing how much they love her, how much patience they have with her and each other. Its really beautiful. I am going to miss having that beautifulness (is that a word?) in close proximity. I was watching Mark swaddle her tonight, wrapping her up tight like a baby burrito. The first of many times I know he will venture to make his girl feel safe and protected. It was just sweet. I know the kind of support he will offer her. I only wish more men were the kind of father Mark will be. I'll miss them. I've already spent 30 minutes being weepy and silly because of it. But what they showed me, I'll carry it with me forever.

Here are the lyrics to the song that reminds me of Mark and his Baby Burrito

Father and Daughter by Paul Simon



If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Singing

I've spent my morning/afternoon talking to friends and singing at the top of my lungs. Oh thank you Alicia for providing the material. It's been great release.

Tired

So I am a germ monster today. Hella sick. MY GOOD GOD. Why did I just realize yesterday that I have been working for the last six weeks straight. Which I assume to be why my body is rebeling. There just doesn't seem to be enough time. I wonder, is there too much too soon in your professional life?

Don't get me wrong, I feel totally capable of doing the tasks at hand. I know I wouldn't be happy if I wasn't challenging myself. But I just did about $2000 worth of accounting I've been procrastinating on, more when I add the other $2000 worth of checks. I am managing a budget that is pretty close to $700,000. I sat there for a second tonight and had this overwhelming feeling of just tired. I can't believe they let me do this stuff. They trust me with this, and I am trustworthy. But damn, most the other 25 year olds I know are not managing this. Everyone else seems to be having a lot more time for fun. They don't carry the kind of weight that I feel like I carry. I guess the next best question is, am I self-imposing the weight?

Truth be told, I have no idea. But I want some time for my own brain. I have a trip scheduled to Portland for next week. I'm visiting with some friends and WILING OUT! I really can't wait. I have been everyone's role model for just a little too long. My brain is flippin and all it wants in the world is to stop. I wonder about my pace and am I cut out for this, and then, even if I am, do I want to be? Will I have a really successful professional life at the sacrifice of being young?

I will step out of the victim place tomorrow, I swear. Tonight, I wanna be a kid. I wanna be a kid not in charge of 150 some odd lives. I want to sleep and not think. I want to fully immerse myself in a crush that is healthy for me and not worry about the time I'm "wasting".

Gizmos and Gremlins

It's funny how there are times when you go long time periods without writing, even if there is something to write about. Then randomly you will want to write and you pretty much have nothing to say. That's kinda the boring spot I have put you in today. I am just sitting here in my robe, mentally prepping for my second workshop in a row. I just wanted to ramble. You are under no obligation to read. My last workshop was a huge learning experience (I guess they all are). I had 28 boys (I know I keep saying this, but damn, it did mean something to me), 4 alumni that I had rap directed, and lots of other little fun factors.

When I say learning experience, I just mean, it allowed me to observe the way I have come into contact with the world. As much as I have tried to let the feeling go, I really believed that I blew last years certification. I mean I walked away feeling like the most awful person for even stepping into that workshop. I questioned how irresponsible of me it was to walk into a workshop recovering from an assault that had happened only a week prior. I didn't think I did what was in my capacity to do. Never recognizing that different capacity comes with different trauma and experiences.

Let me tell you about Jo. That workshop, I had this fiery, angry, cuss you out in the hallway if you look at her the wrong way, girl. And I loved her, I loved her immediately. From the beginning I could see the capacity of her heart. I just knew she had been hurt so many times that she bites as a reflex by that point, not a defense mechanism. And over the course of the workshop I wondered how far she had internalized the lessons.

Then I saw her this last weekend. This tiny, spunky, loving girl. She threw her arms around me and hugged me in the airport. And as I tried to recover from the shock I sat an watched as she and 3 past students of mine showed me how they had discovered the world through the year. She was changed. She had opened her heart a little more, let herself share and feel more. She is also going to be a student at Cal State Fullerton. All facts that delighted me to no end. I really laid into her anyhow, because really, I know her capacity, and this girl can be a superstar. In the end, I feel like she had more tools to find peace and was looking forward to a world that didn't have to genuflect whenever her parents commanded it. I was proud of her.

Your inner critic can be so strong. I mean, how is it that you can not even see the very things happening in front of you. It blows my mind. We can completely process things so skewed from reality. All because of the little voice in our heads that tells us we aren't enough. I mean that voice is tricky, it is forever altering its methods to really get at you. And it can change your entire perception. I saw that critic pop-up this last weekend. Instead of battling with it, I think I just kinda invited it to sit down. Put up with what it said and talked myself down. haha. I know I sound like a nutjob right now, but I hope some of you understand. It just takes so long to make peace with that critic. It's like a freakin gremlin. And not in the cute gizmo state, in the icky conniving green state. I think I should name mine. Any suggestions?

To all of you battling the gremlins I commend you, don't put water on them or feed them after midnight. ;c)