Epiphany

So after our three day staff retreat I spent a lot of time mowing over different realizations and epiphanies. I'm one tired jack ass for it too. I say jack ass because I really think I have quite the audacity to always figure things out in the present. Why over analyze later what you can beat into the ground now... really. In any event, with all my inner turmoil something occurred to me about my patterns with... drum roll... men.

I know big whoop, many women around the world figure out their patterns with the opposite sex all the time and they amount to a whole lot of nothing. Ultimately people are miserable seeking understanding and empathy in their misery. This creates happy for both participating individuals. I think the world (myself included) would like to perceive me as an optimist. I do believe that this is what it boils down to though. As pessimistic as it sounds, I actually think it's quite lovely. ANYWAY, something pretty interesting did occur to me and I thought I would post it.

So the other night I am at this Mexican restaurant with 4 friends. One of them from out of town. This restaurant I have pretty much been a regular at for a couple of months now. Every night at 9 the mariachi band comes out to play some really pretty ballads. One of the violin players/vocalist for the mariachi band I think is a little sweet on me. He is always smiling at me and seeking out eye contact when I enter. I do think he's kinda cute and I'm a fan of his talent, even so, I become the spazmo I always become and avoid that eye contact or get into fight of flight mode. (I know I'm a tragedy)

Jeremiah (my friend from out of town) was sitting next to me and asked me "What's up with that, go get it girl." and I pretty much flipped out. I mean I got stumbly, denying any kind of attraction on either end. blah, blah, blah. And then shrugged the whole thing off. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I'm scared of boys.

So I sat their trying to figure out what makes me panic with some dudes and not others. I mean I'm not a machine I have had fun times with quite a few cute guys. I was trying to figure out what separated my exes or my past hookups from the random guy that will smile at me.

I realized that the guys that are in the former category have across the board not shown sexual attraction in me when first meeting me. It's only after spending time with me, even a small amount of time, seeing the kind of person I am, do they express an interest. I mean I am attracted to them, I have never hooked up with a guy I didn't think was really cute. But I think my assumption is that if they don't want to tear my clothes off from the jump then they are safe. Which is some shit because this makes these men a little emotionally unsafe. Many times they are in want for what my heart can provide them and not what they can provide me.

My question is, does that mean that I'll never date a guy that sexually wants me. Whose interest in me isn't because I have won him over but because when he sees me, he SEES me, and immediately wants me. I wonder if I have been hooking up with guys who don't think I'm beautiful because I'm scared of how safe I would be with that. I mean I understand myself, I have been sexually assaulted at all four major life junctions, there is a reason for the fear. I guess now the question is, how do I get past it? I really do want to know what its like to feel someone be so attracted to me they can barely keep there hands off of me, but how does that tie in with the need to feel safe? Can there be both?

I'm a Parking Ticket

As I have been alluding to, it's been a difficult couple of weeks. I mean good God, the conflict both external and internal has been ridiculous. I've been trying to figure out a few things about myself. Sometimes I feel like a puppy that keeps bumping into the same glass doors because it doesn't know how to walk through the doggy door. I don't feel like I know the location of the doggie door at all most times, figuratively speaking, but I digress.

This week I had a staff retreat and I kept thinking about how I hit the doggie door. The eternal struggle being, how do I get myself to believe that I am fantastic so that I don't "need" other people to think I'm fantastic. Or as Rey used to put it so eloquently in college "I'm a parking ticket! Validate me! Validate me!"

I had two seperate people tell me that they really loved me this weekend. They said it with so much heart and genuineness. They both at separate times, unbeknownst to the other, told me that I had changed their lives. That their interaction with the world was changed by how I helped them grow. How they felt this change with different people and that this would ultimately lead to them being able to connect with the world in a deeper way. They emphatically declared that I was a gift. I sat their fully unable to articulate how I felt. ME. I had no knowledge on how to respond to that. Shamefully, to an extent, I have always hoped that people would look at me the way both of these wonderful people looked at me this weekend. The kind of gratitude they had was so gratifying and overwhelming. It's part of why the rescuer, rescues. Instead I almost felt like I had done something wrong. If they had this much knowledge of the hand I played in their process, then I felt like it must mean that I am a failure. Here they were giving me what is probably the most heartfelt thanks I have ever recieved and I am sitting there feeling guilt and shame.

As I processed the whole shebang and realized how cracked out my instincts were, I really got sick of the base reaction to all of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an emotional crackwhore over it. I just want to feel proud of myself without the want for other people to feel proud of me. I want to feel beautiful without someone else telling me that I am. I don't want to have to wait until someone notices me and my gifts before I feel gifted. I know this all comes in time, but what exactly is the process to get there. I'm ready. I'll do it.

Does anyone ever really get there? I mean do I have this ideal in my head of a reality that doesn't exist? It just seems other people around me don't find the need to hear it as much as I do. I mean I also feel totally socially akward, now that I have verbalized it, I realize people don't agree with me. Crazy what your brain perceives that other people don't see. Oh the ruminations and how draining they can be.

I am energized however, the weekend went well, my staff got what it needed and the time spent was useful. I'm grateful to J for providing the experience. It's amazing to watch how good your friends can be at what they do. It made me feel blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Put Your Records On...

I'm loving this song right now, thought I would share the lyrics...


Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer.
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

That's Why Rich People Look So Different...

I must say that I am very amused that it took me forever to find an image of a hot stone massage that had a brunette and not a blonde. However friend, that is besides the point. I had the BEST experience today getting my first massage. It was the most intimate beautiful experience I have ever had with a perfect stranger. haha. My boss Marshall came into the office a couple months ago with a gift card for a massage at the Four Seasons. I was really grateful, but I must admit I had no idea how great this was going to be until I experienced it.

So let me start at the beginning. This week was shit. I mean big crappy doo, stink in a pile, steaming shit. hahahaha. It was really tragic how bad it all was. I think I had just gotten to a point where I was too full of emotions to ingest anymore and I shut off emotionally to a marginal extent. Around Wednesday I decided it would be vital to my survival to book a massage for Saturday and use my gift card. So I did.

I walked into the Four Seasons admittedly nervous. I didn't know protocol. I mean, I didn't grow up in the type of family that had that kind of splurge. The people were sooo nice and explained everything to me. First they gave me a glass of "Cucumber Lemon Water" and it was so scrumptious and refreshing. Then I filled out this survey to basically let them know where my physical and emotional health was at. Admittedly my first response was to snicker at some of the questions and think of smart alec responses to them. But I put smart ass Karla away and brought out open-mind Karla. As I scribbled ratings on the various blanks, my head filled with images of people telling me "you should take better care of yourself Karla." and then I realized that I was there for that very reason.

Each person is given there own personal locker. In this locker you find a plush bathrobe, a plush towel and some slippers. After a mildly akward conversation about the role of underwear in this whole endeavor and letting the attendant know I changed my mind and would rather have a woman for my first massage (yes I am a nerd), I get nakie and then put on the various free accessories. I went to the steam room and it was pretty comical. I mean there I am trying to balance a towel and a magazine in a STEAM room. Which basically ended up with me a hot sweaty mess with a newly crinkled magazine. I'm such a mess on feet really. Common sense is just not my forte, never does it occur to me that paper (in the form of a magazine) could drench in a steam room. But there I was struggling to read the conservatives attack on George Clooney in the new Vanity Fair in the middle of a ton of steam. When I realize what a tard I was I left the steam room and put my robe back on. I lounged in the designated ladies waiting area. Sipping more of the yummy cucumber lemon water and chewing on a few dried apricots.

So this lady Erica who keeps calling me "Ms. Monterroso", which was highly uncomfortable for me, keeps reminding me that the experience is strictly for me and I should let her know when something hurts, tickles, etc. I for some reason choose this very moment to get very nervous about how my body will react. I think, what if I fart? What if I cry? So I giggle (which is customary for me when I am nervous) and I say "I know this sounds silly, but I'm afraid of crying" and she tells me "Oh thats normal, lots of people either cry or hysterically laugh, its called emotional release. It's really the whole point to being here. So don't worry." Oh Jesus.

I then lay face down breathing in this aromatherapy sheezy and proceed to remember what its like to feel my body. I mean really, really feel my body. Remember what places hurt and what places are tired. I am amazed at how I don't even consciously acknowledge the places where I hurt anymore. I just get used to it and I carry it. Can I tell you, a few times I start to tear and cry a little while she massages me. Not out of pain, but out of release. And then she takes a hot stone and places it on my heart and I literally start balling. I mean a deep cry. A sob trapped in years of "be strong Karla's" and "You can handle this" appeasements. I feel in my body the stories of the children and adults I have helped heal. I feel how tired I have been, how full of all of the emotional stress and pain of both my life experience and the experiences others have shared with me. I start saying things with what feels like little control of myconsciouss body. I say "I'm afraid of getting so full I can't help them." and "how can I be this tired?" and just as easily as I start she takes the stone away from my body and sets it on the top of my head, I quiet and regroup. Floored by what was beneath my surfaces. Relieved that I have room toreceivee and give more of myself to the world.

Ya'll now, I haven't been one to praise the chakras, chant the crystals or even light the incense. But today made me a believer in the connection between my body and my heart. Realizing now that when I abuse one, I abuse the other. They are sisters connected in a way that I have no rational explanation for. But I am grateful to the discovery. I sat there after the massage nurturing my heart feeling like a little girl who was playing grown up. I went to the steam room again, showered in a 5 nozzle palace of warm water and used all there assorted lotions and oils to get ready to leave.

I gotta say, I thought from the time I was a little girl that rich people had a certain polish to them. I realize now its the having the money to take care of yourself that gives them that sheen. haha. I mean to be serious, its amazing what paying attention to yourself does for you. I feel soooo much better and less tired then I have in so long. You know that feeling after a looong good deep cry? That is the kind of relief my body has felt all day. I'm a convert. Sign me up.

Focusing on the other pieces

I just posted an abbreviated version of this on my myspace bulletin. But this blog is something my kids don't read so, I'll elaborate a little. This is what I wrote there...

"So I've just gotten my umpteenth piece of feedback about focusing on parts of my life that aren't my career. I am starting to feel that my friends are afraid the words "Lonely Spinster" are going to be on my tombstone. lol.

I personally believe myself to be quite the perky, quirky, enjoyable gal. However, I do acknowledge that my focus can become pretty singular and work oriented. I'm not quite sure how to step out of that. I mean there is going to the gym three times a week, getting out of work on time and the like. But how do you focus on a social life. I am posting because I know some of you are particularly good at this. I am frankly asking for suggestions. How do you focus on pieces of your life that aren't your job, when you love what you do? It's easy to go back to it and fix things there. I know how. How do I focus on having fun? Any ideas?

prrrrr,

Karla"

I think I have done a lot better with the personal care stuff. I started making goals and then following through with them. Creating a space for things that are exclusively for me. But it still didn't show me how to have fun. lol. I know that sounds way more tragic then it really is. But don't cry for me Argentina. I am not moping around about it exactly. I'm just a little puzzled. Its been a waaaay difficult year. One full of sadness. The fact I haven't crawled into a little ball and cried is a big fuckin accomplishment. But how do I extend past this point.

Here is the deal, when I am with my good friends. I'm not talking about the legions of people who lean on me or ask me for advice, but my really good friends. I swear to you, I am a fucking blast. lol. I mean I can crack a joke like no other, I'm silly... I'm me. But I get around other people and a part of that shuts down. I just kinda listen in. Unless I'm talking about work. In which case, I am the alpha female. When I'm around other people if I'm not advising, I'm not really free. I don't know if this is a choice or if its just how I react. Now is this how other people perceive me? Probably not. I doubt many people have noticed at all. I think that's why I latch on to people who make me laugh. It gives me free license. But I guess I have to trust people in my gut on first impression to allow them to let me laugh. And my gut trusts so few. Argh and grrr on the walls.

Any ideas cyberspace?