Friday, February 23, 2007

Addiction Backsliding

So I came to a conclusion today, criticizing yourself to oblivion is just as much as addiction as alcohol or drugs. You do real good. You believe in yourself. You see your beauty. You see your grace and magnificence. Then one day you wake up and there is a trigger. An old boyfriend, stress, a lack of validation, a tiring day, a hard week, etc. can send you back to get a fix. For that matter a good week, a triumph, a conviction, a moment of perfection, peace, makes you seek the leveling. I can't possibly be this good. And then I show myself how I am not.

You suck, you're ugly, you're dumb, pound, pound, pound. Until you leave yourself so raw, its hard for even the most loving friend to reach you. It's deceptive. You give yourself just a small taste. "Ugh, don't be dumb Karla." and then before you know it, its an arsenal of assault. Harsher then any parental whip. You start to rehash the painful history, pull out the greatest hits. Your father walking away from you as you cry to explain to him that no matter what you'll love him, being told that they don't think you're pretty, the boys that rejected you, the friends who took advantage of you, the family members who think you abandoned them for pursuing your dreams reiterating your selfishness for being your own advocate. Then it becomes a group bashing. You and your ghosts in a battle to take you out. Until all that is left is a fragment of your goddess presence.

There should be a sponsor.

Then you snap back, realize you are backsliding and fight like hell to give up. But its an addiction. Like any other addiction, it hurts and it feels good. How do you explain addiction to the logical/rational world. How do you find a sponsor?

I don't know. I spend my life teaching the world how to access each other and I struggle to allow for people to give to me. I am figuring out how the receiver, receives and does it without guilt. I'm "independent". AKA Stubborn.

My addiction, more unique and more common then any other. Waking up from it, is like finding oxygen. Reminders of the world you help build to sustain. Thank you for the blessing. For finding my way back quicker every time. Give me peace to learn how to let the ghosts and obssessive reduction of my truest self go. Not because the world needs me but because I need me. I want to be in love with myself so deep, my vision allows me to see myself, the way I see the world. In its infinite majesty.

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